Degrees Of Separation

Separating from a partner is never easy. Obviously, the longer you've been together the stronger the tie and the deeper the feelings involved. This is obviously much harder when children are involved. Whatever the situation, it is hard for both people. There is a huge period of adjustment for everyone involved. Inevitably, some people adjust to the new situation faster than others which in itself can be a cause of conflict.

Today has been particularly difficult for me. Obviously, I miss my husband. All of a sudden I am on my own. I have no adult to talk to. I have no one with the same shared interest in the kids. There is nobody to talk over what decorations we should put in the boys room or which wall stickers would look great over the cot. Somehow, I am managing to cope with these things on a daily basis. I think the huge support I have from friends (both online and off) is the key. In all honesty, I am waiting for it to hit me as I'm not sure that it has yet. If it hasn't, I'm not looking forward to it when it does!

Today has been tough due to poor communication really. It is difficult to know exactly what the absent parent wants to know. It is hard to find a balance between "need to know" stuff and over informing. It seems we both have different ideas of what that is. With both people in an emotionally charged situation, it is hard not to react to everything that could be taken negatively. I realise that it is still early days and I am sure things will settle down into some sort of routine eventually. At the moment, while we try to find that routine, it is quite difficult.

Personally, I am trying to look at the situation from all sides and do what is best for all of us. I'll be the first to admit that some days this doesn't happen. Some days I am really angry or upset that someone could do this to us. Those are the days I try to keep my mouth shut and not contact him. Those are the days that will cause problems in the long run and it really isn't worth it. Those are the days when I bite my tongue (hard) so I don't tell the boys exactly what I'm thinking. The days when I take a little longer to answer so I can give a rational answer rather than the first thing that springs to mind.

One off the topics of dispute has been contact with the boys. As he was away for the weekend we arranged for him to see them this coming weekend. A few days later he wanted to know if he could ring them on his lunch hour. Then he wanted to ring them in the evening after work. Yesterday he wanted to know if he could come round after work to see them today. I have said no to all of these requests for several reasons. We arranged a day at the weekend which the boys know about and are looking forward to. Given the amount of coming and going he has done in the past year due to social services, working away and moving out I want the boys to have as much stability as possible. Previously, he has seen or called them with no routine and the boys have been all over the place. They haven't known when they will see him or hear from him next which they found very distressing. I want to avoid them going through that again, if I can, as it is really upsetting for all of us.

I almost feel like chief negotiator. I am trying to make sure the boys see their Dad regularly so they can adjust more easily to all the changes that are occurring around them. I also realise that he wants to have more contact with the boys than just once a week. At the moment I am trying to ensure I'm not agreeing to things that will fizzle out once the initial separation has worn off as this is what has happened in the past. This just leaves the boys more upset and confused. I can understand it may look like I am punishing him by not letting him see the boys as often as he wants but I can assure you this is not the case. After our hospital visit with Squish on Saturday he asked if he could come and see him when he got back on Sunday night. I said "of course" as it was a Sunday (visiting day) and Squish has been quite upset over his absence. Within a minute he had sent another message saying he probably wouldn't be back in time. Sunday I messaged him to ask if he was coming as it was already teatime. Obviously the answer was no....

It is not an easy situation and I am doing my best to remain neutral. I don't want to do anything that will upset the boys or anyone else, any more. It is hard not to let my feelings towards him influence my actions or decisions for the boys. It must be hard not seeing them every day so I understand why he is persistent but the boys have to come first. Someone has to exercise a little restraint and unfortunately, that role has fallen to me.