Monday 7 July 2014

Utter Shite

This is a post I don't really want to write but I have to get stuff out of my head before it drives me crazy. Why don't I want to write this? Because then it becomes real. Once things are out there, they are part of reality. At the moment I'm in a bubble and it only affects a select few so I can pretend it's not really happening. But it is...

I took Big into Bristol today,  clothes shopping. My husband had the boys so it was a rare treat to spend time with Big on his own. The sun was shining and we didn't have to rush back, lovely. We had a quick look in a game shop for a racing game he wanted then hit the rails.

He went off to the guys section while I wandered round the ladies. My wardrobe has become very limited with my ever growing bump and I was in desperate need of some clothes that adequately cover me, even with my hands in the air! I found a dress, some leggings and a couple of tshirts. Happy days! Big managed to find plenty to restock his wardrobe (and empty my account) so we removed a few items so he was under the £100 mark!! I'm definitely giving him a limit next time!

Once home, he put on his new gear and headed off to his Dads for a suprise family bbq. He was most pleased with his new clobber and I have to say, it does really suit him.

So here I am, sat on my bed at the end of the day having just had a relaxing soak in the bath. I should be feeling content and happy after a lovely trip out with my boy and a break from the norm.

But I don't.

I feel utterly miserable.

I am trying really hard to think positive thoughts.

I am thinking of the things I have coming up this week and trying to look forward to them but right now I can't.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out.

Why?

Because he's gone.

He left.

My husband.

He doesn't want me anymore so he left.

Four days ago now.

I was ok when he was here earlier.

I have to be, the boys are watching.

Taking their cues from me.

If I'm ok then they are ok.

If I fall apart, something major is going on and it's not good.

They are in bed now and I feel like shit.

I'm devastated and really pissed off which is a very weird combination.

I don't want to be a single Mum to 4 kids, 3 under 3 years. It's not bloody happening!
Then How can he just leave? Just like that - gone?
This baby was going to complete our family now we will never be a complete family. There will always be someone missing.
How can he do that to us?
How will I manage on my own?
The baby will never know what it's like to live with her Dad.
He's going to miss it all, serves him bloody right, wanker!
How can he just not want me anymore?
Have I been that fucking awful and hormonal?
What the hell happened?
Where did this come from?
I feel like I've fallen asleep and woken up trapped in my worst bloody nightmare.
What the chuffin fuck do I do now?!

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go downstairs and eat some of the massive Toblerone I bought the other day to share with him, have some juice, put the dog out then go to bed.
Tomorrow I shall wake up with two small people in my bed that will start to fight once they both wake up. I shall dress them, make them breakfast, wash up while they watch the bloody Tweenies. Then we will make Peppa Pig muddy puddle cupcakes, play in the garden, watch their new Tarzan dvd whilst having lunch, have a sleep, do something crafty, go for a walk before dinner. Then bath and bed.
Only then will I be able to sit down and feel like absolute shite. When nobody is watching.

I don't understand. That's the worst thing, I don't understand. How can things be ok one day and completely the opposite the next? How can he say he loves me one day but not then next? How can he just give up? Christ, we all feel like walking out at some point but you have to look at the bigger picture. I can't even concieve of a day without him in it, yet I have to face a whole lifetime of them now.

I just sit and stare at the wall. I can't be arsed to do anything. What the fuck does it matter now? I feel utterly worthless. Until tomorrow, when I will smile and laugh and cook and cuddle and referee and paint and glue and sing my way through the day with two little boys that don't understand that their Daddy has left us.

9 comments:

  1. Oh hun that is absolutely shit :( What an absolutely rubbish and cruel thing to do! I'm so sorry for you. I know it doesn't help at all now, but you will get through this. It feels like you won't but you absolutely will and it's his loss. Women are very strong you know, we're programmed to get through these things :) Surround yourself with family, friends, your children and get help from a counsellor or visit a Children's Centre for support now before baby arrives. Lots of love, Lexie X

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  2. Oh bloody hell, so so sorry to read this. That man needs to grow a pair and man up. He needs to understand that a family is a commitment, you work at it. When it's shit (and lets face it, it is bloody hard work with young children), you work harder at it. When the dust has settled slightly, would he consider RELATE counselling? Or even you on your own? Surely a relationship with three, almost four children in it is worth working at? Has he got cold feet & scared about the responsibility of another child? Is it time out he needs?

    Whatever happens next, remember, all those children need is love, and they'll get that in abundance from you. Keep on smiling, you're doing a great job. And allow yourself time to grieve in an evening, away from little faces x

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  3. OH MY GOODNESS .... Kat this is utterly shit!! i am sending you the biggest hugs EVER!!! .... You can do this lovely .. even if right now you think you cant xxxxxx

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  4. Oh my god Kat - I'm so so sorry to read this. You poor thing.
    Just take little, tiny baby steps at the moment and try really hard not to think too far ahead of the next thing - be it cleaning teeth, getting dressed, making a piece of toast etc.. just break it down into those small things. You'll find no joy in them, but at least it might stop you from those overwhelming feelings of the future.
    Darling, please know that I am here for you. Reach out to us all. We're you extended family.
    Much love and positive vibes xxxx

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  5. Sending you much love, lovely Kat - know that we are thinking of you as you hold it together through the day and weep it out at night (and know that if you do let go during the day, that's OK too - sometimes it can help kids to see our vulnerability. I completely understand your desire to keep everything as normal as possible for them - just don't beat yourself up if you falter sometimes, we all do). xxx

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  6. Thank you all so much! Baby steps it is here. Your kind words make all the difference and have carried me through the day today. I am lucky to have such wonderfully supportive friends like you xxxx

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  7. You poor thing, of course you feel shite! You have many friends here, look how long it took me to scroll down and add to them. I'm always on twitter and love to chat whenever you feel down.

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  8. Your husband is a tosser! I know if you work it out, you will never speak to me again, but he is a child, and you don't deserve this shit. I'm going to come see you soon, just so I can hug you for real xx

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