I am so entrenched in my daily trundle, that it takes an enormous effort to think outside the rut. It's hardly likely to happen anyway so why waste time thinking about it when I could be deliberating on what to have for tea....
My life before kids was taken up with horses.Every waking moment was spent with them, reading about them or watching them on tv. I knew roughly what every day would involve and bounced out of bed with excitement each morning. I LOVED it, every second of it!
Then my first little man came along and turned my world upside down. During his first few years I gradually said goodbye to my previous horse addicted lifestyle and concentrated on him. Why? If you have ever had an all immersing passion you will know how hard it is to only do it part time. It made me feel frustrated and a little resentful of his father. I couldn't be a good Mum thinking that way so I sold my beautiful dream horse and didn't look back.
I now have 3 gorgeous boys, whom I love very much. Between them they have taught me about unconditional love, patience beyond possibility, how long my tether is, that I have the strength to keep going in impossible circumstances and a fierce need to protect them from all that may harm them in this world. I have also learnt how to give them the space they need to grow and find themselves. For all these things, I will be forever grateful to them.
In becoming a Mum, I have gradually lost my identity. The title of this post stumped me for quite a while. The first word that sprang to mind was Mess. I didn't want to put that but it's all I can think of as that's how I feel at the moment.
My life has become a single handed juggle of necessities. Where am I? In the thick of it making sure they are all where they need to be, at the time they have to be there, with all the things they need with them.
Where is my husband in all of this? Well, it would appear it has cost me that too. Not liking the new Mum-me or able to cope with the boys, it would seem our days are numbered.
My next journey is one of discovery. I am off to find ME!! x