I apologise in advance. There is going to be a yet unknown amount of bad language in this post. I try not to use it unless absolutely necessary. Today it is a necessity if I am going to write how I truly feel. If you are going to be offended please do not read on. Just pop over to another blog for now and come back tomorrow when I'm hoping the storm will have passed. Thanks x
I can't believe how bloody awful today has been! I was tired when I got up, maybe a bit more than usual but nothing major. Chaos is feverish, not eating or sleeping much so he was up early. My husband worked last night so he was shattered so I got up to give him some much needed sleep.
Things were pootling along ok. We were going to the market to get some meat so we got ready and headed off. I don't quite know what happened on the way there but I suddenly wanted to cry. I felt a bit panicky and wanted to rush home at once but we were stuck in a queue and I didn't want to annoy my husband by being a twat again after so long. I successfully failed though by walking round the market crying and clinging to him like a loon on my weekly outing. He knew something was up as he kept asking if I was ok but what could I say? "Sorry love, the whole fucking world just caved in around me and I really have no idea why." Poor bugger! Just when he thought he'd glimpsed normality again the bottom fell out of it. I just feel so bloody guilty for this happening all over again I haven't had the nerve to say anything. He is so wonderful I feel like I let him down way to often.
It washed over me again in the car on the way home. This time with the added stress of knowing my FIL would probably be waiting when we got there as he was coming for a cuppa. Try to look normal after crying like a nut. They asked if I had a cold, that's good enough for me! Just a bit bunged up really, ha ha!!
God I just want to die crying. I feel so shit. Why the hell has this happened now. If I didn't feel so crap I'd be really pissed off! I was going to walk the dog to try to make myself feel better but the thought of going out makes me feel sick. Chaos needs some more medicine but I might have to ask superman to go coz I know I'll have a melt down while I'm out. Twice in a day is enough for that sort of behaviour!!
It always happens at the worst times. The Big One has just finished school for easter so needs entertaining/driving around. Chaos is ill and needs constant cuddles. As for Squish, he is just his normal, wonderful, squishy self!! How am I supposed to function normally with so much going on? I just want to crawl away to a warm cosy spot for a few weeks/months til I feel better again. I really hope you lot share some motivation tomorrow cause I'm gonna need all the fucking help I can get!!
My amazing husband has just rustled up a home made lasagne and is waiting for me to join him. I'm going to head off now. Thanks for listening as always! Sorry if you were offended but you were warned!
Blow up every fucking shadow you see with a massive halogen searchlight!!! Bastards, I hate them!!